How to Rekindle Intimacy in Your Relationship
Have you – or your spouse – lost interest in sex? When one of you initiates physical contact, is the other too busy or not in the mood? Are you afraid that the delicious feeling of heat and turn on that drew you together has faded away, never to return? Do you miss the intimacy that sex used to bring?
When sexual desire starts to wane in a marriage, some couples redirect their sexual energy into work and raising their children. Perhaps one or both secretly start looking outside their marriage for someone who will rekindle their turn on. Others start to wonder if they are heading for divorce.
Couples who come to see me want to stay together
Though they despair that a part of their relationship has died, they long to bring sexual intimacy back into their marriage, though they haven’t got a clue how to make this happen. They hope I’ll show them some ways to spice things up – new positions, sex toys, watching porn together, the list goes on. Often one of them thinks something is wrong with them – or their partner – and they need to be fixed.
Instead, I propose to them that
- There is nothing wrong with either of you. When you deeply tune into your body, it will show you exactly what it needs to be vibrant and whole.
- To intimately reconnect with your partner you need to first connect with yourself – specifically sensations you feel in your own body.
- The best way to bring pleasure to your partner is to focus on what brings you pleasure.
Then I introduce them to The Wellness Sexuality Practice, a method I’ve developed that undoes everything you think you know about sex – and opens you up to a whole new world of connection and eroticism!
The Wellness Sexuality Practice
This program is designed to rekindle your sexual energy so you feel more pleasure throughout your body, more responsive to touch, and more connected with your partner. In other words, it restores your natural vitality and aliveness. You start to feel enjoyment in whatever you do – inside or outside of the bedroom!
It begins with simple non-sexual touch, and then as your body wakes up, expands into a full range of sexual expression. You learn that sexuality is a journey without a destination, and that there are unlimited possibilities for where it might take you!
The first two levels of the practice, which introduce sensual touch, subtle movement, and sensation-based communication, can be done alone – or with a partner. The more advanced levels enter into sexual play and eroticism. Some of these practices can be done solo – and others with a lover.
Curious? I invite you to try this PG version of the Wellness Sexuality Practice. Then if you want to learn how this practice can be expanded into sexual play, give me a call!
This can be done alone, or sitting next to your partner.
Focus on Sensation Exercise
Set a timer for 8 minutes (preferably one that doesn’t tick!)
- Sit in a position that you can stay with comfortably for 10 minutes. Keep your arms and legs uncrossed, unless you’re sitting on a meditation cushion.
- Start the timer.
- Close your eyes and bring awareness to your breath. Without trying to change your breathing in any way, notice the length of the inhalation and the exhalation. Become curious.
- Tune into the subtle movements that arise from breathing, such as a rising and falling in the belly or a feeling of expanding/letting go in the chest area.
- Now bring your attention to one place in your body, say the back of your hand. Focus on any sensation you feel there, such as tension, heat, vibration, aching, pulling, even numbness.
- For the next few minutes bring all your awareness to that one area. Notice how it feels to give it your undivided attention, without asking it to change – just as you would love a small child or animal who climbed up onto your lap. If you get distracted by a thought or emotion, notice that, and then gently bring your awareness back to the sensation.
- When the timer goes off, slowly open your eyes. Take another minute to notice what has shifted for you. Do you feel quieter or more relaxed? How is that place you gave all your attention to now? Is it buzzing, hot, cold, less tense, more awake?
As you move into your day, be curious about what unfolds
How is your energy? Is it harder or easier to get things done? Can you stay in touch with what you feel in your body – and enjoy whatever sensations arise? Most importantly, notice…. do you feel a little more connected and open to your partner?
If you catch yourself speeding up or getting distracted, no problem! Use that awareness as an opportunity to pause, take a breath, focus on a sensation in your body, and begin again!